If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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