My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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