she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
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I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
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When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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