you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Randomize
