be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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