let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My life is pants optional.
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