So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
