I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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