You work out of a Hotel?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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