He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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