I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
