im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
