Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
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drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
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there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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