i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
