This girl is more easily done than said...
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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