WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
