I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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