i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
