he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk