Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
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I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
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Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying