My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Randomize
