the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
