Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
