Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
