Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
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I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
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I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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