There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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