Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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