i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
