I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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