And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
