brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
