Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
