That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
