i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
