She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
