I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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