never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Panties = found
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