Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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