Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I think my fart just growled at me.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
