i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
