apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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