I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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