Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
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It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
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Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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