I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
