did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.