Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof