i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
