The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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