every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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