are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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