I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
