I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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