During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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