I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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