I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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