Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize