Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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