No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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