I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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