"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
