Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
